The strength to be weak.

"Blessed be the Lord! For he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him. The Lord is the strength of his people; he is the saving refuge of his anointed." (Psalm 28:6-8 ESV)


It's hard to believe, but this past week marked seven months of living in Nepal! It's unreal how quickly the time has flown, and how, at the same time, it seemed like the slowest seven months of my life.

A million things were running through my mind to post about in this week's blog... But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I need to take time and reflect on what has happened since I've been here. What I've experienced, who has impacted me, the lessons I've learned.

Let me start by saying that the biggest lesson I have learned since being here is this...

I am not as strong as I once thought I was.

I used to think that I could handle anything God threw my way. That no matter what situation I found myself in, I was strong enough to tough it out. It was to the point where I didn't rely on God. Where I found self-sufficiency to be my safety net.

Living here, God has given me no shortage of opportunities to learn the lesson that, in fact, I am not strong enough to handle most of the things that are placed in my life.

I don't have the strength to survive living in Nepal. To show grace, love and kindness to everyone I meet.

I don't have the strength to not judge those who post on Facebook  and complain about the small inconveniences of their days. Not when I know so many people, when I've seen so many faces of those who barely have enough money to feed their families each day.

And I didn't have the strength to be the person who ripped a young girl out of the arms of her guardian. I didn't.

I don't.

But praise God that He does. That He did. That He always will.

Praise God that self-sufficiency is not something He requires of us. Because I can't do it.

In a million ways I wish that I could have learned that lesson an easier way. And in a million more ways I wouldn't trade each and every experience, each and every person, for anything in this world.

I wouldn't trade the tears that I've cried. I wouldn't trade the laughter I've heard. Nor would I trade the looks on the faces of my kids when they see me at campus. Not the relationships I've formed. Not the heartache I've felt. Not the simple joys of living here.

I wouldn't give up the hard days when I just wanted to quit. When I wanted to give up and fly home. Not even those times when I didn't have power for over 12 hours and my patience was stretched to it's max.

Not the time when I sat in the dirt on a sidewalk with a beggar child while he ate an orange and let me practice my Nepali with him.

Not the day that an old woman threatened my girls with a stick and rock because they were talking about Jesus.

I wouldn't trade the countless times I've felt welcomed by our widows, on days when, quite honestly, I didn't want to be at campus.

And I would NEVER trade the struggles I've had with God. The wrestling I've done. The selfish, impulsive nature that seems to flourish whenever I'm upset at something.

God blessed me with each one of these situations. Each one of these people. No matter how hard, how frustrating, how many tears I cried, or how many smiles I shared. I'm thankful.

I get that this is all easy for me to say in retrospect, but I'm learning to say these things amidst the storm itself. When I feel like God is being silent. When I don't understand why it had to be ME. When I feel inadequate. When I'm not sure that my presence here in Nepal is actually making an impact.

THOSE are the times I'm most thankful for. They are the moments when I'm forced to remember that I'm not strong enough. That I don't have the ability to be self-sufficient.

When I realize that I am desperate for my Jesus. For THE Jesus.

As hard as these last seven months have been, no one could convince me to exchange them for anything in this world. And I CANNOT wait to see what the next five months will bring. What challenges I will be given. How God will answer my cries of desperation. Who He will bring in my path. And How He will use me to bring Him glory throughout it all.

Because I know that my God is for me. I know that He will never forsake me when I'm weak. When I mess up. When I would rather trust my own intuition than His will for me. And I know that some how, in some way, He is using my messed up, turned around, sinful, redeemed life for His glory.

Thank you for being a part of my journey. For loving on me when I needed it most, even if you didn't realize that that's what you were doing. For praying for me. For sending me letters and packages to remind me of home. For supporting me while I try to live in the will of God.

I couldn't do this without you.