"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, no angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:37-39 ESV)
I want to be honest with all of you, and I don't want to fudge the truth or to paint things to be different than how they are. So this post is going to be straight from my heart. A real life glimpse into me.
This week was hard. The hardest I've had so far, by a long shot. It would be a grave error to say that it sucked. I learned a lot this week, was reminded of a lot this week, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But it wasn't easy.
My heart hurts. A lot. I miss home; my house, my family, my boyfriend, my friends, my church, FAMILIARITY. I can't explain it other than it's a physical pain. A knot in my chest. A throat tight from trying not to cry. Throbbing eyes from tears held back, and those that breached.
Mostly I was just mopey, although I did lose my cool a few times. Don't get me wrong, Nepal still holds my heart, very fiercely. But I was slightly less enchanted by it this week. Irritated by the dust that I'm constantly caked in, frustrated by the continual honking of horns. Unreasonably disappointed that I can't find the right balance of shampoo and conditioner to make my hair manageable and not greasy (it's the little things).
But mostly I'm sad.
Sad that I can't hug my parents. Or have lunch with aunt and grandparents on a Saturday. Or plan a visit to Montana to see my family. I can't sing absurd car karaoke with my best friend and not have a care in the world. I can't go for a walk on the Mill Creek trails with my boyfriend. I can't have regular Wednesday lunches with my friends.
And yet, GOD IS STILL GOOD.
I was reminded this week that God doesn't just want me to look for him in everyday things. He wants me to SEEK him, all day, in everything I do. He is enough. I don't need little things like rain or Starbucks (although I would willingly walk in bare feet on hot coals for a mile to get a Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte). Those things are great, and there are many things here that I can see God in, I can see him moving and working. But HE IS ENOUGH.
He is the ultimate everything. Comforter, protector, provider, lover, forgiver. And I am THANKFUL and GRATEFUL that he is holding my hand, and my heart.
Once I let that sink in, I began to notice a change in my heart. I was reminded that I may not be able to do all of those things I'm used to, and all of those things that I want to, but I know that it's for a reason. God is allowing my heart to hurt for a reason. I don't know what it is, and I may never know. But I'm ok with that. Because there is NOTHING that can separate me from his love. He has PROMISED to never leave me. And he works ALL THINGS together for my good.
Praise God for reminders that this won't be forever. That feeling this way won't last for longer than the blink of an eye. And praise God for my roommate! Her listening ear, encouraging spirit, and for making my first Thanksgiving away from home bearable.
So for now, I will CHOOSE thankfulness. I will choose to wait on the Lord. I will choose to seek HIM, not the things that he has to offer me. My life is about so much more than this moment. And I will remain faithful to the call that God has placed on my heart.
Thank you for praying for me this last week, I cannot imagine how hard it would have been without your prayers. They helped me get through a long week, and helped me rely on God even more.
My prayer this week is that God will continue to pull me nearer to himself. To show himself to me a little more each day. That I would continue to fall more and more in love with my Jesus. And I would ask that you pray that along with me. Not only for me, but for yourself! That God would continue to be enough for you each and every day.
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