This last week has been a strange one. Sort of an in-between time for me. The short term team that I traveled with to get here left Tuesday night to return home, and there were a few days of adjustment to finish settling in to my new home. With a decent lack of things to do, came a scary situation for me. Let me explain.
I have an addictive personality. Meaning that I latch on to something, and ride the wave until it crashes to the shore, usually tossing me on my face somewhere along the way. And when I have time to sit around, generally I find something, not always a good thing, to latch on to. So the decision I needed to make this week was "what am I going to latch on to?" A television show? No, because we don't have cable here. A new music artist? Maybe, but I don't really want to spend the money on buying a bunch of new songs. Pick up a hobby? I really have no idea what they do here for hobbies, so probably not.
In my past, my "hobbies" and "extracurricular activities" involved things that were detrimental to my health. All throughout high school I struggled with eating disorders; anorexia, bulimia, diet pills...you name it. And that was the addiction that dominated my life, self harm. I new that moving here would present new struggles in that area of my life. New challenges I hadn't faced before, old demons that would surface again. I knew that I would be facing that temptation of addiction again. It was, and is, pretty scary for me. And then, Tuesday night, it clicked...
ADDICTION ISN'T ALWAYS BAD.
I was sitting and talking with the short term team, and some of the missionaries here on the ground in Nepal. Kimberly, who has been here almost 7 months, was talking with us about the ministry. And she was sharing that her hope and prayer is that if it came down to her or her husband Ben giving their lives so that one more person would come to know Christ, they would do it willingly. GLADLY. She began to cry as she told us this, conviction and determination in her voice. And all I could think was "God, PLEASE let me be like her when I grow up." What an incredible testimony of ADDICTION to God. She is so in love with our Savior. Addicted to him.
I want that kind of addiction in my life. I want to be so addicted to God that I can't fathom doing anything without him, without talking to him, without spending quality time with him. I want to have that kind of faith. I want to be addicted to my Jesus. And I want it to be contagious, like Kimberly's is for me. I want to get the women and children here at the campus addicted to Christ. And the cool thing, the wonderful thing, is that I can't do that. Only God can. He can choose to shine his light through me into the lives of the people here that I have the privilege of working with.
A wise monkey once told me, "The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it." For those of you who had a deprived childhood, that monkey is Rafiki, and he knows what's up. I have decided to LEARN from my past. To learn that addiction isn't always bad. Every has something they are addicted to, whether it's drugs, alcohol, pornography, pride, anger, laziness, or like me, eating disorders. And on some level, that addiction defines you. So choose what your addiction is. Put off the old ways, and put on the righteousness of Christ.
And that's my prayer request this week. That I would be addicted to God. And that through that, God would become the addiction of many men, women, and children here in Nepal. Please pray that as I adjust and I begin to realize that this truly is my new life, that God would be the addiction I run to, not my past.
"Don't shine so that others can see you, shine so that through you, others can see Him." C.S.Lewis
Love, love , love! You make such a good point! I'll be praying this for you... and for me and many others. Thanks for sharing this.
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